I forget your touch, It’s just been that long.
But some part of you still lingers in my memory.
A part that is trying hard to resurface, but the elements won’t let it.
I am starting to recollect what you felt like…
Like my mother’s touch
Like my lovers kiss
Like the petrichor after the first rain.
You’re a tough one, you. As stubborn as a mule.
Is my mind playing games on me? Or have you always felt like…
A constant coolness to my soul
A startling epiphany, and the sudden calm that follows
A tingling that won’t go unless I acknowledge your presence?
If you always felt this good, why don’t you stay?
Why do you have to run away?
I wonder sometimes, dear hope, are you even real?
Isn’t the human mind a real mystery?
One day I feel low and self-doubting and the very next I am self-aware and self-loving. How is it possible that my brain knows what needs to be done to live a more fulfilling life but it is the same brain that prevents me from doing anything productive?
It is also worth noting how there is a stark difference in the way my brain manages my work and my personal commitments.
- Knows and understands the gravity of deadlines
- Prepares to-do lists and follows them with religious severity
- Prioritizes work over health and mental well-being
- Makes to-do lists (in the head) that are forgotten
- Understands the value of relationships, still chooses to ignore it
- Worries about work and continues ignoring health
Why is this so? Why the discrimination in treatment of matters?
At times, I feel like approaching a psychologist to help me understand my mind. Why do I do the things I do? Why do I have a self-destructive edge towards my personal life?
When I say self-destructive I don’t mean physical harm. I mean – knowingly taking bad decisions, on multiple occasions. Knowing the right path and still somehow looking the other way.
And shouldn’t self-awareness help in reducing/improving self-destructive behavior? Isn’t self-awareness a method of introspection? A way to realign one’s behavior with one’s internal standards and values?
Is laziness the root cause? Or does it go deeper?
I need answers, but know not where to look.