On Self Awareness and Self Destruction

Image from Google

Isn’t the human mind a real mystery?

One day I feel low and self-doubting and the very next I am self-aware and self-loving. How is it possible that my brain knows what needs to be done to live a more fulfilling life but it is the same brain that prevents me from doing anything productive?

It is also worth noting how there is a stark difference in the way my brain manages my work and my personal commitments.

Work-brain:

  • Knows and understands the gravity of deadlines
  • Prepares to-do lists and follows them with religious severity
  • Prioritizes work over health and mental well-being

Personal-life brain:

  • Makes to-do lists (in the head) that are forgotten
  • Understands the value of relationships, still chooses to ignore it
  • Worries about work and continues ignoring health

Why is this so? Why the discrimination in treatment of matters?

At times, I feel like approaching a psychologist to help me understand my mind. Why do I do the things I do? Why do I have a self-destructive edge towards my personal life?

When I say self-destructive I don’t mean physical harm. I mean – knowingly taking bad decisions, on multiple occasions. Knowing the right path and still somehow looking the other way.

And shouldn’t self-awareness help in reducing/improving self-destructive behavior? Isn’t self-awareness a method of introspection? A way to realign one’s behavior with one’s internal standards and values?

Is laziness the root cause? Or does it go deeper?

I need answers, but know not where to look.

The Year That Was | April 2016 to March 2017

 

Hello.

I don’t know what happened, but thanks to the heavens above I actually felt like writing today. I have been trying to get myself to write ever since April last year, but never succeeded. In fact life has tried to manifest this concept in my life so much over the last one year – “Everything will happen in its time.” You cannot budge the hands of time to work according to your convenience.

So much has happened in my life since last year. Let’s begin where I last left –

April 2016:

I was busy preparing for my MBA final year exams and in the meanwhile also applying for jobs. I get an interview call.

May 2016:

May begins with the good news that I have successfully cleared the interview and will be expected to join as soon as exams are done.

June and July 2016:

Getting used to being an adult who has a full time job. Also coming in terms with the fact that I have to wake up in the morning.

31st July, 2016:

It’s J. K. Rowling’s birthday. But this day has a very different significance in my life (yes, I remember dates, bite me). This was the day I told my parents about the boy.

August, September, October 2016:

Wedding date gets fixed. House renovation + wedding prep begins. Mayhem. It’s a miracle I didn’t go mad.

November 2016:

We get engaged. It dawns on me that I have just one month in my own house. Emotional roller coaster begins.

December 2016:

We get married. I move into his place. I get home-sick, a lot.

January 2017:

Still home-sick. Join back work. My granny passed away, complete devastation. Even more home-sick.

February 2017:

Slowly beginning to adjust to the new environment. Miss home. Miss granny.

March 2017:

Bangalore trip. Miss home. Miss granny. Even more emotional turmoil. I have recoiled into my shell. Coming to terms that this is life now. Rough patch at work.

 

And now here I am, on this second day of April, 2017 and these are things I have realized:-

  • Life is sometimes your best friend and also your strictest teacher.
  • Learn to appreciate what you have in life, you never know when circumstances will change.
  • Spend time with your loved ones, you don’t want to have regrets after they’ve gone.
  • Being an adult is hard work.
  • Writing is difficult, when its not in your own room, on your own computer.
  • You don’t always get what you want, and you have to  learn to make peace with that.
  • But that doesn’t mean you have to stop dreaming.
  • I miss home.
  • I will never stop missing my granny.

 

Yours truly – Living, stumbling and learning.

xo